P.S: December is not a good month for singles.

The first time I bumped into you after months of no contact, I wasn’t prepared at all. You passed me. We kinda walked together with the rest. I took a quick look at you. I was surprised to feel.. almost nothing. We talked a bit. Laughed a little. Smiled at each other. I said bye and told you to have fun. You said thanks. Then we went our separate ways.

A few weeks ago, met you at the event. We talked a little, but it felt awkward, a little forced to me. I avoided you for the rest of the night. And I didn’t say goodbye when I left.

A few days ago, I asked you if you are free for lunch this week. You said you won’t be free. I said that’s alright, maybe another time. But I didn’t mean it.

On the same day (coincidence you think?), you passed me. Without looking at me and without acknowledging me. I watched your back until you disappeared from my sight. And I suddenly realized.. that didn’t even matter.

I think of you, but I don’t miss you. So cliche, but it is true that time does heal.

This is it, my dear. You won’t be hearing from me. I thought we could be friends, but I guess not. Such a waste because you are a great company. It’s likely we’ll still bump into each other. But truly, I feel nothing now.

Wishing you all the best. In your work (make real the dreams you have!), in life, and in love.

This is goodbye. Finally.

love,

me

(This will be a list cos that’s the way it’s done! In no order whatsoever)

1. I have always thought of myself as an introvert. Until I find myself trying to cut someone in the middle of the conversation, and this has happened quite a few times. But yea, I think I still am an introvert.
2. Sometimes I find it hard to sympathize with people, and then I feel guilty.
3. I have no idea what to say to people in depression, in sadness, in pain. It’s always said that they just need someone to listen, but if that’s true, they can just pour it out to their dogs.
4. I am good at keeping secrets. Your secret will go with me to my grave. Unless you say otherwise.
5. I can be really naggy and I know it. It’s just part of being the eldest and I can’t help it. But I really really hate being told that I’m naggy.
6. I like to look at pretty girls and the models in the women’s magazines although I feel insecure enough. Somehow I get satisfaction from torturing myself.
7. I prefer to go out with 2 or more people because I’m tired of making effort to talk and listen all the time.
8. I have never told anyone ‘I love you’ other than my family and girlfriends, and no one other than them has ever told me that either. I believe I’m missing something here.
9. I like reading, but I’m not intellectual at all. When I try to read the clever books, I feel more stupid when I don’t get it and/or don’t get why people like it.
10. I love rainy windy days, and I get to stay at home snuggled in my blanket reading my favorite books.
11. I believe in God, I pray, I go to church and I try to read something from the Bible everyday. I proclaim myself as a Christian. And yet I don’t feel close to Him.
12. In my morbid moments, I think of my parents dying and I tell God, please please don’t take them away because I need them, I love them, and I can’t live without them. Then there are times when I get irritated by them and lost my patience and wish they would just leave me alone. Then I feel worse.
13. I honestly hope that my siblings will do very well in life because I want someone in this family to make a name out of the family.
14. I honestly am not very ambitious. I wonder why I am so easily contented in life.
15. I want to know what love is (yes, exactly like the song). I don’t even know the difference between in love and falling in love.
16. I have never been kissed (other than my family!).
17. I don’t drink because I turn red so easily and I get blotchy face. Anyway, I save a lot of money by not drinking.
18. I learned cycling twice, and I’m still not sure how to do it. I think I have a poor sense of balance.
19. I learned driving, but I’m still not confident enough to do it. Maybe when I am forced to, I will learn again.
20. I went diving once. Thought it was cool, but too expensive to do it all the time.
21. I have poor complexion. Inherited from my mom. Mom, love you, but this skin is killing me.
22. I have poor eyesight. This one’s from my dad. Gonna do Lasik soon, so it’s gonna be ok hopefully.
23. I can’t stand obese people, people with B.O. and people who talk more than they work.
24. I am terrified of cockroaches.
25. Sometimes I feel very empty inside. I don’t know where I’m going what I’m going to do. I don’t know if this is depression.
26. I cry at movies easily. Quite embarrassing seriously.
27. I like to eat instant noodles, eggs, fried Hokkien mee, Yangzhou fried rice, salmon sashimi, chicken sausages, Japanese curry rice, chawanmushi, bibimbap, fresh boiled crabs, nasi lemak, Taiwan milk tea and a lot more. Anyway my tastes change from time to time.
28. I want to be taken care of. Does this mean I need a fatherly figure?
29. The only reason I would think of having kids is because I think my parents would make great grandparents. And I want them to experience it before they die.
30. I need to be likable. And I hate conflicts and fights. But I don’t think I’m a submissive person.

That’s all for the day. I’m sure there are a lot more I can say, but I shouldn’t waste time just thinking about myself (ha!). It’ll be interesting if someone can tell me things I don’t know about myself.

I wish .. I wish.. I can find out how you are doing. cos it means putting my heart on the line. And I need whatever left of it.

Am I being whiny? Being over-dramatic? Exaggerating? The most objective part of my mind can see how someone may not think much of what we had: we’re just friends, for goodness’ sake. I’m thinking too much too fast. Guys hate that. Especially guys who just got out of a long relationship. We are just friends, but I wanted more and you ran off. Is that it? Did I come off  too strong? Was I living my own daydream? Is it better that you cut me off so suddenly rather than having me embarassing myself over you? Spare me the humiliation?

I managed not to click your nick when I see that you’ve come online. Barely. But I managed. Sometimes I think that’s the only reason you won’t block me. It’ll be worse if I did start talking to you and you ignored me (you stalker!). Because if that happens, you’ll kill off the very last shred of hope that I still have. Yes, yes despite everything, it’s still there. God I’m pathetic.

The scariest thing is how deep I’ve gotten myself into you, considering that we’ve known each other for such a short time. I don’t usually fall so fast. In fact, I’ve never ever fallen into anything. Is this why you are still haunting me? Because you are the closest thing I ever have to.. falling into anything? And it is truly ironic how you are the first one who started this. I remember the time when I knew you but I didn’t care, not that way at least. That time, we were truly just friends and I loved it. Saw you from time to time, but that was enough. Didn’t care what you did how you felt. I’m such a fool.

You’ll never ever know this. But at this moment, as I write this, I really miss you.

Because I still don’t get it. The change is so abrupt. There is no moment I can exactly pinpoint and say, yes this is when he started to change. Tell me why, please.

My self-esteem is at its lowest point now. Now I know why people sing all those sappy love songs, about how they wait by the phone, how they wishing and hoping for that call. Now I understand. I feel like giving myself a good shake now, to get over him and move on. Please please, I don’t want to be like one of those people who keep going on and on about how miserable they are.

 So far I’ve managed to keep myself from msging him. I’ve managed to convince myself that: he needs some space, he has his own things to do, he’s busy, etc. But the truth is simple: he just doesn’t need me anymore. Worst-case scenarios I’ve come up with: he’s back with his ex, he found out he doesn’t like me as much as he thought he did, and oh, he might’ve found someone else too.

Hate this hate this. Hate all this confusion and uncertainty. The problem is, there is no way to find out what really happened, what really made us like strangers now unless I talk to him. And there is no way I will talk to each other if he doesn’t contact me. Cos all I have left now is my pride, and there is no way I will ask him out again. Yes I am lonely and I need him, but I am not that desperate.

Or am I?