Learning to Breathe

Dear you,

The first time I bumped into you after months of no contact, I wasn’t prepared at all. You passed me. We kinda walked together with the rest. I took a quick look at you. I was surprised to feel.. almost nothing. We talked a bit. Laughed a little. Smiled at each other. I said bye and told you to have fun. You said thanks. Then we went our separate ways.

A few weeks ago, met you at the event. We talked a little, but it felt awkward, a little forced to me. I avoided you for the rest of the night. And I didn’t say goodbye when I left.

A few days ago, I asked you if you are free for lunch this week. You said you won’t be free. I said that’s alright, maybe another time. But I didn’t mean it.

On the same day (coincidence you think?), you passed me. Without looking at me and without acknowledging me. I watched your back until you disappeared from my sight. And I suddenly realized.. that didn’t even matter.

I think of you, but I don’t miss you. So cliche, but it is true that time does heal.

This is it, my dear. You won’t be hearing from me. I thought we could be friends, but I guess not. Such a waste because you are a great company. It’s likely we’ll still bump into each other. But truly, I feel nothing now.

Wishing you all the best. In your work (make real the dreams you have!), in life, and in love.

This is goodbye. Finally.

love,

me

It’s been a while. Miss you miss you. At times like this, it’s too easy to remember the good times we had. I’m mad at myself for remembering, for caring. I’ve already given up on we ever continuing what we had, but why do you still slip into my mind? Sometimes I wonder if it’s because there is no closure. I still didn’t know why things ended the way it was. Is it because it was nothing to you? Not worthy enough of a proper ending? I’m just a fling? A rebound?

I wish .. I wish.. I can find out how you are doing. cos it means putting my heart on the line. And I need whatever left of it.

Am I being whiny? Being over-dramatic? Exaggerating? The most objective part of my mind can see how someone may not think much of what we had: we’re just friends, for goodness’ sake. I’m thinking too much too fast. Guys hate that. Especially guys who just got out of a long relationship. We are just friends, but I wanted more and you ran off. Is that it? Did I come off  too strong? Was I living my own daydream? Is it better that you cut me off so suddenly rather than having me embarassing myself over you? Spare me the humiliation?

I managed not to click your nick when I see that you’ve come online. Barely. But I managed. Sometimes I think that’s the only reason you won’t block me. It’ll be worse if I did start talking to you and you ignored me (you stalker!). Because if that happens, you’ll kill off the very last shred of hope that I still have. Yes, yes despite everything, it’s still there. God I’m pathetic.

The scariest thing is how deep I’ve gotten myself into you, considering that we’ve known each other for such a short time. I don’t usually fall so fast. In fact, I’ve never ever fallen into anything. Is this why you are still haunting me? Because you are the closest thing I ever have to.. falling into anything? And it is truly ironic how you are the first one who started this. I remember the time when I knew you but I didn’t care, not that way at least. That time, we were truly just friends and I loved it. Saw you from time to time, but that was enough. Didn’t care what you did how you felt. I’m such a fool.

You’ll never ever know this. But at this moment, as I write this, I really miss you.