Thinking of you
It’s been a while. Miss you miss you. At times like this, it’s too easy to remember the good times we had. I’m mad at myself for remembering, for caring. I’ve already given up on we ever continuing what we had, but why do you still slip into my mind? Sometimes I wonder if it’s because there is no closure. I still didn’t know why things ended the way it was. Is it because it was nothing to you? Not worthy enough of a proper ending? I’m just a fling? A rebound?
I wish .. I wish.. I can find out how you are doing. cos it means putting my heart on the line. And I need whatever left of it.
Am I being whiny? Being over-dramatic? Exaggerating? The most objective part of my mind can see how someone may not think much of what we had: we’re just friends, for goodness’ sake. I’m thinking too much too fast. Guys hate that. Especially guys who just got out of a long relationship. We are just friends, but I wanted more and you ran off. Is that it? Did I come off too strong? Was I living my own daydream? Is it better that you cut me off so suddenly rather than having me embarassing myself over you? Spare me the humiliation?
I managed not to click your nick when I see that you’ve come online. Barely. But I managed. Sometimes I think that’s the only reason you won’t block me. It’ll be worse if I did start talking to you and you ignored me (you stalker!). Because if that happens, you’ll kill off the very last shred of hope that I still have. Yes, yes despite everything, it’s still there. God I’m pathetic.
The scariest thing is how deep I’ve gotten myself into you, considering that we’ve known each other for such a short time. I don’t usually fall so fast. In fact, I’ve never ever fallen into anything. Is this why you are still haunting me? Because you are the closest thing I ever have to.. falling into anything? And it is truly ironic how you are the first one who started this. I remember the time when I knew you but I didn’t care, not that way at least. That time, we were truly just friends and I loved it. Saw you from time to time, but that was enough. Didn’t care what you did how you felt. I’m such a fool.
You’ll never ever know this. But at this moment, as I write this, I really miss you.
