Frustration + Loneliness = Excruciating
I just need some space to vent my frustration which I have kept to myself this past month. I’ve been asking myself what went wrong, when it went wrong, and how it went wrong. He doesn’t contact me anymore. When I sent him a msg, his replies are cool & polite, unlike last time where they’re funny and adorable and makes me smile (stop it already).
Because I still don’t get it. The change is so abrupt. There is no moment I can exactly pinpoint and say, yes this is when he started to change. Tell me why, please.
My self-esteem is at its lowest point now. Now I know why people sing all those sappy love songs, about how they wait by the phone, how they wishing and hoping for that call. Now I understand. I feel like giving myself a good shake now, to get over him and move on. Please please, I don’t want to be like one of those people who keep going on and on about how miserable they are.
So far I’ve managed to keep myself from msging him. I’ve managed to convince myself that: he needs some space, he has his own things to do, he’s busy, etc. But the truth is simple: he just doesn’t need me anymore. Worst-case scenarios I’ve come up with: he’s back with his ex, he found out he doesn’t like me as much as he thought he did, and oh, he might’ve found someone else too.
Hate this hate this. Hate all this confusion and uncertainty. The problem is, there is no way to find out what really happened, what really made us like strangers now unless I talk to him. And there is no way I will talk to each other if he doesn’t contact me. Cos all I have left now is my pride, and there is no way I will ask him out again. Yes I am lonely and I need him, but I am not that desperate.
Or am I?
get2life said,
January 21, 2008 at 3:18 am
Your self-esteem is pretty low, but like your sadness it will change. Read your own words again slowly. See how much power you are giving away to this person. Why do you think you “need” him? Do you not have the capacity to supply your own needs? Of course you do.
Also, you do not need to know what happened. Just let go. The more you push, the more he will resist anyway. So why not just put your energy into finding out how to feel good about yourself.
Mourn him and bury him in the past. Move away from torturing yourself with scenarios that are completely in your head. The more you think, the more you will feel desperate and lonely. But, you will never, never need anyone to do what you could do for yourself. Get some fresh air. In the near future, you may thank him.
You are wonderful, whole, complete, and yes courageous.